<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>Back to the Start by Jenna_Nicole</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24933469">Back to the Start</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jenna_Nicole/pseuds/Jenna_Nicole'>Jenna_Nicole</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Killervibe One-Shots 2020 [8]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Flash (TV 2014)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/M, Inspired by The Scientist by Coldplay</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 06:42:12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,351</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24933469</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jenna_Nicole/pseuds/Jenna_Nicole</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>She only comes back for you. She always comes back for you. You're her one weakness. You know it too, don't you? </p><p>She has a new look about her but you can't pinpoint it. It's her hair, sure. It's her clothes, yeah, of course. It's new confidence. It's power. It's Frost. It's the girl she shares a body with now. </p><p>But no, she looks at you differently. It's intense. It makes you warm all over. It makes your heartbeat dance about. </p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Cisco Ramon/Caitlin Snow</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Killervibe One-Shots 2020 [8]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1696453</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>12</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Back to the Start</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/President_Zebra/gifts">President_Zebra</a>.</li>



    </ul></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p> </p><p></p><div class="bbVIQb">
  <p> </p>
  <p></p>
  <div class="ujudUb">
    <p>
      <em>Come up to meet you</em>
      <br/>
      <em>Tell you I'm sorry</em>
      <br/>
      <em>You don't know how lovely you are</em>
      <br/>
      <em>I had to find you</em>
      <br/>
      <em>Tell you I need you</em>
      <br/>
      <em>Tell you I set you apart</em>
    </p>
  </div>
  <div class="ujudUb">
    <p> </p>
    <p>You never predicted it, that you'd become this attached and so quickly. To your friends, brand new, Caitlin Snow and Ronnie Raymond. But you love them. You love them in little time and you'd give up your life if they asked. You work beside them, day and night, till exhaustion, till deprivation, till you're at the end of your rope.</p>
  </div>
  <div class="ujudUb">
    <p> </p>
  </div>
  <div class="ujudUb">
    <p>Caitlin is kind to you, kinder than anyone has been in a long time. She welcomes you, helps you make the lab home, helps you believe in yourself, helps you believe that you're smart and worthy of the role you've been given. Any other nasty opinion you have about yourself will not be taken lightly and she will become cold as ice and will hate your insecurities as deeply as they hate you. She will defend you to her last breath. </p>
  </div>
  <div class="ujudUb">
    <p> </p>
  </div>
  <div class="ujudUb">
    <p>Ronnie, well he is calm and gentle. He makes light of the bad. He teaches you things without making you feel like you're less. He treats you like a big brother should and makes you feel like you're a part of something good. You're worth it and you think you might believe it too someday. </p>
  </div>
  <div class="ujudUb">
    <p> </p>
  </div>
  <div class="ujudUb">
    <p>You do everything together. Work and play. You and Caitlin and Ronnie. They're your best friends. They're your family. </p>
  </div>
  <div class="ujudUb">
    <p> </p>
  </div>
  <div class="ujudUb">
    <p>And then one day, they're gone. </p>
  </div>
  <div class="ujudUb">
    <p> </p>
  </div>
  <div class="ujudUb">
    <p>Ronnie, somewhere lost in that pipeline, staining your shaking hands with blood. </p>
  </div>
  <div class="ujudUb">
    <p> </p>
  </div>
  <div class="ujudUb">
    <p>Caitlin, overcome with grief, cold and distant, lost in her own head. Might as well be dead too. She won't even look at you. She won't look at anyone. </p>
  </div>
  <div class="ujudUb">
    <p> </p>
  </div>
  <div class="ujudUb">
    <p>You say you're sorry because you're not sure what else to say. And you mean it. She doesn't know how deeply you do. She doesn't know how guilty you are. She says "It's not your fault" but you know it is. You know you killed Ronnie Raymond. </p>
  </div>
  <div class="ujudUb">
    <p> </p>
  </div>
  <div class="ujudUb">
    <p>Any self-worth Caitlin's kindness had built is gone now. Your insecurities have won. You're not fighting them. She's not fighting them either. You don't expect her to. </p>
  </div>
  <div class="ujudUb">
    <p> </p>
  </div>
  <div class="ujudUb">
    <p>You just know you can't lose her too. </p>
  </div>
  <div class="ujudUb">
    <p> </p>
  </div>
  <div class="ujudUb">
    <p>So you track her down, you hold her tight, and you beg her not to shut you out. Because you remain. Guilty and all, you remain. After what you've done, the least you can do is be there. Not out of guilt alone. You set her apart. You always have. But now, hiding your bloodstained hands, you have to be sure you don't kill her too. </p>
  </div>
  <div class="ujudUb">
    <p> </p>
  </div>
  <div class="ujudUb">
    <p>If you can put any, even a little, life back into her bones, you will do it. And if that means being there, or not being there, you will do it. You care too much to have a choice.  </p>
  </div>
  <div class="ujudUb">
    <p> </p>
  </div>
  <div class="ujudUb">
    <p>"You're my best friend. I'm not going anywhere." </p>
  </div>
  <div class="ujudUb">
    <p> </p>
  </div>
  <div class="ujudUb">
    <p>She doesn't want to let you in but she slides the door open. She lets you hold her because she needs it just as desperately as you need it too. </p>
    <p> </p>
  </div>
  <div class="ujudUb">
    <p>
      <em>Tell me your secrets</em>
      <br/>
      <em>And ask me your questions</em>
      <br/>
      <em>Oh, let's go back to the start</em>
      <br/>
      <em>Running in circles, coming up tails</em>
      <br/>
      <em>Heads on a science apart</em>
    </p>
  </div>
  <div class="ujudUb">
    <p> </p>
  </div>
  <div class="ujudUb">
    <p>You never predicted so much would change. She lost Ronnie all over again and you had to watch it. She walked away and left you alone in the lab. And you can't blame her. You can't ever blame her for anything. But it hurts. It hurts that she isn't there with you. </p>
  </div>
  <div class="ujudUb">
    <p> </p>
  </div>
  <div class="ujudUb">
    <p>In the time in between, you were close. Closer than close. You were each other's lifelines. You were there for her and she had been there for you. Long nights wrapped in each other, wiping away tears, distracting each other from the pain. You were free from secrets. You asked hard questions. You told each other everything. You had both lost Ronnie. You had both moved on together, hand in hand. </p>
    <p> </p>
    <p>Suddenly, Ronnie was alive. You were elated, happy to see the light back in Caitlin's eyes. Happy to see your best friend in love again. Happy, despite a sensation of jealousy that you tried to burry, as you stood by and watched them both say "I do." Her wide, lively eyes, put life back in your own bones. You were prepared to watch them grow old together. Better for her to love another man than to be sad. You would never wish for her to be sad. </p>
    <p> </p>
    <p>You hated the universe that put the pain back in her eyes, just as much as it seemed the universe hated Caitlin Snow. She stood there and watched Ronnie die again. Again and again. How many times would you have to watch her heart break? How many times would you find yourself in her arms, trying to put the pieces back together? How dare the universe make Caitlin cry. How dare it drive her away again. </p>
    <p> </p>
    <p>But there she was, at Mercury Labs. Not beside you. Not there to lighten up your day. Not there to share lunch and listen. You remind her too much of old times. You knew that well. It was supposed to be the three of you. You, Caitlin, and Ronnie. But yet it was just Caitlin. And just Cisco. With too much distance in between. </p>
    <p> </p>
    <p>You went to her and you were the only one to change her mind. She wanted to say "no." She wanted to distance herself from the memories and the pipeline and the last face of their trio. She cared for Barry and Iris. She cared for the memories that were made over the last year. But it hurt her. You knew how deeply it hurt her and you felt guilty for being selfish. You felt guilty for wanting her with you so badly. </p>
    <p> </p>
    <p>You had talked about it, sitting in the pipeline. Like always, <em>this is home</em>. Like always, you and Caitlin. </p>
    <p> </p>
    <p>Maybe it didn't need to be a trio. Maybe a duo would be alright. Cisco and Caitlin. Just the two of you. </p>
  </div>
  <div class="ujudUb">
    <p> </p>
  </div>
  <div class="ujudUb">
    <p>
      <em>Nobody said it was easy</em>
      <br/>
      <em>It's such a shame for us to part</em>
      <br/>
      <em>Nobody said it was easy</em>
      <br/>
      <em>No one ever said it would be this hard</em>
      <br/>
      <em>Oh, take me back to the start</em>
    </p>
    <p> </p>
    <p>You were inseparable again, much like you were when you were Cisco, Caitlin, and Ronnie. You shared lunch. You shared nights. You shared your deepest, most frightening thoughts and dreams and worries. You agonized with each other's pain. You were the glue to put the pieces back together again. You were a pair, platonic lovers. Hearts wide open. Futures only imagined with the other by your side. You had traveled back to the start. </p>
    <p>She was there for you when you would sit up at night, with dreams of Reverb, and the fear of your power coursing through your veins. She would take your hand and promise you that you were good. Too good to lose yourself. Too good to be warped and changed into someone evil. </p>
    <p>You were there for her when her heart broke again, as Jay died right in front of her, and then the betrayal, that birthed a new kind of rage inside of you. It consumed your thoughts. You couldn't help it. You couldn't help but hate in a way so foreign to your old self. Perhaps this would be the way you become evil. </p>
    <p>Then your brother died and you spiraled. You spent time at her house. She spent time at yours. It was like the death of Ronnie all over again but worse. Thoughts of murder consumed you. You swore you would become dark. You could feel yourself growing dark. </p>
    <p>You hadn't expected it to be her instead. </p>
    <p> </p>
  </div>
  <div class="ujudUb">
    <p>
      <em>I was just guessing at numbers and figures</em>
      <br/>
      <em>Pulling your puzzles apart</em>
      <br/>
      <em>Questions of science, science and progress</em>
      <br/>
      <em>Do not speak as loud as my heart</em>
    </p>
    <p> </p>
    <p>You were in denial then, for so long. You doubted your power. You had changed events before. This would be the same. You spent hours each night just thinking, tossing and turning, wondering why the universe would punish you in such a way. To take Caitlin. To take the closest thing you have to a soulmate. </p>
    <p>You love her. </p>
    <p>It's when you realize you love her. </p>
    <p>For real, not as platonic lovers. But romantic, passionate, all-consuming. You can feel it in the night air and you can feel it in your bones. Each touch has a thousand meanings. Each hug stays with you for days and days. And you know now, in the darkness of your lonesome bedroom, that she is the one. You know now. Now that you're slowly losing her to the ice. That <em>Passenger</em> song never made more sense to you. </p>
    <p>You reassure her and you hold her tight. She is with you now. She isn't running. Your neck hurts from the stress. You're losing your mind with sleep deprivation. You're in denial in more ways than one. You turn to everything. You get drunk once or twice. You sleep in, savoring the smell of that jacket she left at your house. You get desperate, trying to pray to a God you don't believe in. You have notebooks full of possible cures. You have her favorite songs, her favorite smells, her perfume, photographs of yourself, Caitlin, and Ronnie, all of it, you have surrounding you all the time. You can't part from it. It's the only thing that keeps you going. </p>
    <p>For a while, you have her. She trusts you. You trust her. You take her hand sometimes while you work. It's ice-cold but you don't let go. She doesn't comment. She looks sad. But you have her. You have her with you. And every minute. Every unsteady second. Every heart racing close call. All of it is a blessing. It's her. It's you. It's the two, the duo, it's Cisco and Caitlin. </p>
    <p>But one day the blessings run out. </p>
    <p>You watch her die. Your world is ripped in two. </p>
    <p>And then, you watch her die again as Julian tears the necklace from her chest. </p>
    <p>You stand there shivering, back pressed hard against the wall. You can't believe it. You're losing her. All over again. Your nightmare is becoming true. </p>
  </div>
  <div class="ujudUb">
    <p>The weeks pass with breakneck speed. You fight her. Well, you fail to. Your hands shake. Her face lights up in your mind. You can see it clear as day. All your friends look broken. They all know you are like Barry, just waiting for the love of your life to disappear forever. They know your love for her is the same kind. </p>
    <p>You continue to work, desperately searching for a cure. You have it. You have it held tight in your hand. </p>
    <p>You give it to her and then she gives it back. </p>
    <p>She says, "Let go." </p>
    <p>You do. Well, you try to. </p>
    <p>You try to be logical. You try to put the pieces together like a puzzle. But you know, you're just broken. Your heart is a blaring alarm and it won't go off until you have her back. </p>
  </div>
</div><div class="bbVIQb">
  <p> </p>
  <p></p>
  <div class="ujudUb u7wWjf">
    <p>
      <em>Tell me you love me</em>
      <br/>
      <em>Come back and haunt me</em>
      <br/>
      <em>Oh, and I rush to the start</em>
      <br/>
      <em>Running in circles, chasing our tails</em>
      <br/>
      <em>Coming back as we are</em>
    </p>
    <p> </p>
    <p>She only comes back for you. She always comes back for you. You're her one weakness. You know it too, don't you? </p>
    <p>She has a new look about her but you can't pinpoint it. It's her hair, sure. It's her clothes, yeah, of course. It's new confidence. It's power. It's Frost. It's the girl she shares a body with now. </p>
    <p>But no, she looks at you differently. It's intense. It makes you warm all over. It makes your heartbeat dance about. </p>
    <p>She said, "let go." But she didn't let go of you. She didn't move on. She shouldn't have asked you to do it. She was incapable of it herself. </p>
    <p>She is bursting at the seams to say it but she holds it tight. She watches you with Cynthia. You watch her walk away. You are happy. You moved on. You let go. You allowed yourself to try. </p>
    <p>But it feels brand new. She feels brand new. The pain, always deep in her eyes, is gone. It has vanished. She is free. </p>
    <p>She loves you. Somehow you even know it. But you pull back. You pull back and you hate yourself for it. You wait again, she holds her tongue. You don't want to hurt, so you move on once more. You're trying to force love. You see the hurt in her eyes. </p>
    <p>What do you do? </p>
    <p>You run away from her for once. </p>
    <p> </p>
  </div>
  <div class="ujudUb WRZytc xpdxpnd">
    <p>Nobody said it was easy<br/>Oh, it's such a shame for us to part<br/>Nobody said it was easy<br/>No one ever said it would be so hard<br/>I'm going back to the start</p>
    <p> </p>
    <p>You never knew holding your tongue could be so deadly. You hardly touch her. You hardly see her. She pulls away cause it hurts. You look away cause you're trying. </p>
    <p>It's such a shame, that such love went to waste. You hate yourself for loving it. You hate yourself for abandoning it. In the end, that's it. You just hate yourself. </p>
    <p>And then one day you find yourself holding her, in that pipeline, where it was once you, Caitlin, and Ronnie. She is overwhelmed with misery. You are worn out and tired and passive. You let the light burn out in your eyes. She touches you and puts it back where it belongs. </p>
    <p>She says, "Don't let go." </p>
    <p>You say, "Don't ever leave." </p>
    <p>And she looks at you and she is Caitlin Snow. Bright and kind of beautiful. Confident and full of life. And she is with you, close. She grips you tighter and she nods. She has no desire to ever leave you again. </p>
    <p>"What's wrong with us?" </p>
    <p>"Nothing. We have everything, everything right. But we're afraid." </p>
    <p>"Start over," you whisper. "Start over, brave. Hand in hand. Just us." </p>
    <p>"Just us. Back to the start." </p>
  </div>
</div>
  </div></div>
</body>
</html>